Why?
Why do you want the things you want?
It’s taken me a while to write this, as I honestly had to ask myself some pertinent questions and take the time to answer each question. Why do you want the things you want? A lot of our ambitions are related to our trauma and lack, and while this might sound false or even like an attack because it’s triggering, allow me to share my thoughts on this.
Growing up with other kids on the block, we’d always tell ourselves, “When we grow up, we’ll buy this or that.” But this wishful thinking didn’t stop there, it followed us into adulthood. Over the course of my journey, I have come to realize that many of our ambitions and aspirations are deeply intertwined with our experiences of trauma and lack. It is a profound and often unsettling realization that our deepest desires for success and fulfillment stem from the wounds and deficiencies we have encountered along the way. In exploring this concept, I have discovered that our ambitions can be both a reflection of our past struggles and a catalyst for personal growth and healing.
In 2017, while walking home from a friend’s, at night, I got mobbed by two young men who had just jumped down from a keke, and it was a brutal fight (a story for another day). Shortly after that, all I wanted to do was get a car (I still get apprehensive today when a car pulls behind me, especially if it’s in my blind spot; my hands unconsciously ball up in a fist-fight or flight mode). Trauma has a way of leaving its mark on our lives, shaping the narratives we create for ourselves. It creates an imprint in our minds, instilling a sense of lack or inadequacy. These experiences of trauma can range from childhood wounds to adult hardships, from emotional scars to tangible struggles, and even rejections (jobs, friendships, abandonment). Whatever form they take, they leave a lasting impact on our psyche, influencing our beliefs about what we deserve, what we are capable of, and what we can achieve.
Our ambitions often emerge as a response to these traumas and lack. They become a beacon of hope, a way to fill the voids we have experienced. We strive for success, recognition, and abundance as a means to compensate for the feelings of emptiness or unworthiness that trauma can inflict upon us. Our ambitions become a driving force, propelling us forward on a quest to prove ourselves, to rise above our past, and to rewrite our narratives. While it may seem disheartening to realize that our ambitions are rooted in pain, it is essential to recognize that this realization also holds great power.
However, it is crucial to approach our ambitions with mindfulness and self-compassion. We must strive for balance and ensure that our pursuit of success does not become a never-ending cycle of seeking validation or trying to fill an insatiable void. I remember writing about “settling for less,” and while my next few words don’t equate to me advocating for such, I’ve come to realize that the more I heal, the more my ambitions change. My “why” changes. It is essential to cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external achievements and to find fulfillment in the journey itself, rather than solely focusing on the destination.
Moreover, as we pursue our ambitions, it is important to engage in healing practices and seek support. Healing from trauma and addressing our lack of it require a multifaceted approach that may involve therapy, self-reflection, self-care, and nurturing healthy relationships. By tending to our emotional well-being and addressing the wounds of our past, we can create a solid foundation from which our ambitions can flourish.
The year just got halved, and if there’s a great time to do some self-reflection, this would be a great time. Why do you want the things you want? As you embark on your journey of ambition and self-discovery, remember that it is not only about achieving external success. It is about reclaiming your power, healing your wounds, and rewriting the narratives that no longer serve you. Circa 2022, as hard as it is to accept, I had to admit to myself that I so much wanted to make my dad proud of me and my accomplishments in business. He’d regale me with stories of his accomplishments in his 30s, the countries he did business in, and the kind of deals he closed, all as a young man; somehow, his stories became a benchmark he set for me to cross, otherwise, I hadn’t begun. Embrace the realization that your ambitions are intimately connected to your trauma and lack, and use this understanding to fuel your growth and transformation.
You see, there’s also a part of this story that doesn’t get told often. Most times, the oppressed, when finally relieved, unshackled, and given the powers of their oppressors, just turn back to oppressing others. Watching the series “The Last of Us,” the Fireflies did it. And after seeing the series “Ted Lasso,” I couldn’t help but agree when I saw Nate doing the same to the boy who used to be in his position. Embrace the lessons your past has taught you and channel them into becoming the best version of yourselves, and ask yourself, Why do I want the things I want?
Selah!
