Loosing to Yourself
Years ago, I wrote in my journal, “Sam, you’re not in competition with anyone, but your former self to beat your past records.” These words have stuck with me through the years, and they’ve held true too. But there’s a huge part of the story that doesn’t see the light of day. Losing to yourself is more painful than losing to people. Then come questions like, “How did I manage to deteriorate so much? Or was I always so?”
Before writing this, I needed to sample a few opinions from friends; I needed to gain perspectives on others’ experiences, and fam, it’s been one revealing journey. Recently, I wrote about “settling,” and the more I pen my thoughts on this matter down, the more I realize that we do it on a daily basis through micro-actions that we’re not aware of. A couple of instances/scenarios play out in my mind, so let me share.
Mr. A was a very bright young chap back in the day, you’d argue that he had a bright future ahead of him, as we’d usually say of chaps like him; he was the go-to guy for certain academic solutions, as he was clearly smart above his contemporaries in secondary school and even university; but life happened after school, and the story of a bright chap has taken a different turn. And so, while Mr. A struggles to make a living, the contemporaries he tutored in school are on a steady pedestal of career growth. Their disparity in fortune is no fault of theirs. Mr. A has no undue advantage, safe for his intellect; his contemporaries, on the other hand, have some sort of leverage, be it family or well-wishers who, at one point or another, have spoken for them, hence “leverage.”
If Mr. A doesn’t know better, the guilt of not measuring up to his contemporaries will eat him up. Even if he does know better, it doesn’t stop him from feeling the emotions of underachievement and inadequacy. He’d go through life feeling some sort of resentment toward his contemporaries (not intentionally, though), berate himself, and wonder if this was the entire plan for his life. In that moment, it’s usually very hard to hear or remember God’s word and promises, and this is usually the breaking point where many fall from grace.
Mr. B, bright like Mr. A, has a similar background, but his story is a bit different. As a young chap, he’d be engaged in many activities, excelling at them all; one could even address him as a “jack of all trades” because of how versatile he was. But as adulthood catches up with him, he realizes that he starts another thing before finishing what he started before; and will even lose interest before he finishes the new one. I think he expects more from himself than he can and gets frustrated easily with himself when he’s unable to.
Over time, some truths become obvious; we realize sometimes the performance of times past has been driven by pressure, either self-imposed or from family, friends, or the environment. We just hope that if we pretend long enough, something will work out fine. And so, in order not to let them down, we slave on dispassionately until we can’t anymore. You begin to realize that being brilliant starts to become inconsequential once life begins to place certain demands on you. At that point, it’s hard not to ask, “Am I finally “settling?”
You’re amazed at how simple calculations, are an uphill climb for your brain to process, so you’d rather avoid anything that’ll give you such a headache. You realize that in a very competitive environment, you’re less motivated to excel, and you begin to wonder if you’ve always been smart or if you’ve just pretended to. Now, realizing how average you are is a shocker.
Being academically good as a kid, you wonder if it’s destroyed you, as it’s placed some demands and standards on you that you can no longer live up to, today. You now see the handwriting on the wall, clearly written in a language you can understand. You cannot compete with your old self. You cannot comprehend and accept the fact that you are not capable of doing anything. I cannot concentrate on a single thing. Can’t read a PDF file. Can’t watch a YouTube video that is longer than 20 minutes. Can’t even find 10% of the energy I used to have to do anything productive. Once again, the bitter truth hits home: losing to yourself is more painful than losing to people.
Sometimes, you can see the disappointment in your loved one's eyes; and when you look in the mirror, you cringe at the thought of the person you’ve become. But hey, this isn’t some motivational piece of writing; I'm just sharing a bit of a personal experience at some point in my journey. It’s amazing how you (the reader) will see a part of yourself inside this piece, and it’s fine. It’s not the end of life, neither is it the end of your story.
My advice? Do less. Literally, do one thing at a time. Distractions, low willpower, social media playing with neurotransmitters in our brain, etc.—everything that is not our goal, plays a negative role. So, identify your distractions, and deal with them in the best way you can. But hey, I’m pretty sure that’s not going to solve it all. The past 10 months have taught me that the battle for your mind is the longest and fiercest battle you’ll ever fight, so guard your mind with all jealousy; renew it daily, feed it with truth, feed it with positivity; feed it with the Word of God; you can never go wrong there. In doing this, your mind is renewed. Questions like “Where did your inner energy go? The energy that was your drive, source of enthusiasm, and vision—they’ll all be answered if you do this. Above all, pray, pray oo, pray. This way, you’ll get clarity.
Selah!
